3-year cold case: No trace of ‘Billy’

Billy the missing goat, in happier times (before he went missing), along with two possible theories as to his current state.

No splinters, paint chips to be found;

reward possible but probably not probable

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Three years ago to the day, Covington’s Economic Development Department woke to terrible news: Billy was gone. The department had won “Most Creative Design” for its Goebel goat-themed entry in the Northern Kentucky Picnic Table Project, but then the 2-dimensional goat bolted to the table and stationed in then-Mad Hatter Park had disappeared. … Cue the faint chorus of “… where have you been Billy Boy, Billy Boy?”)
COVINGTON, Ky. – The sound of plywood shattering must have been loud and violent.
In the dead of dark night (to be candid, we’re only surmising it was dark, because all good detective stories start out that way), our young Billy was ripped or kicked off his playful perch, leaving only a few screw holes in a lonely picnic table’s bench.
Today is three years to the day after we discovered Billy gone, (likely kidnapped, of course, as we previously hypothesized HERE and remembered HERE, complete with an age-progression photo).
And there exists not a clue as to his whereabouts.
Not a splinter of a clue. Not a flake of black and white paint. Not even a shred of sawdust.
The trail is cold.
Nevertheless, Economic Development Director Tom West, who as we pointed out before jig-sawed Billy out of nothingness and is seen locally as Geppetto (not to be confused with gelato) remains forlorn and full of ideas. He spent the day bothering – er, “reaching out to” – other City staff.
“Should we offer a reward?” West insisted. “Surely we can offer a reward. Has anybody checked with CrimeStoppers? Forensic Files? Can we set up a GoFundMe page to send Chief Nader and me on a kid-hunt? We need a press conference. Cue up social media. Dig out the milk carton. Can we get a police sketch artist? …”
Replied West’s co-workers:
Police Chief Rob Nader: “I have no idea what to say. Billy was probably stolen by Huck Finn and Tommy Sawyer to use as a rudder on their raft for their trip down the Licking to the Ohio to the Mississippi, and he is probably floating comfortably in the Gulf right now. It’s been three years. This case is colder than liquid hydrogen, and Tom should let this go.”
Finance Director Muhammed Owusu: “No reward. No sketch artist. No hunt. No money of any amount. Are you kidding me? Tom should let this go.”
Recreation Director Ben Oldiges: “You’re asking where the Billy-less picnic table is now? How the heck would I know? In one of our other parks, I think. Or not. Why doesn’t Tom leave me alone and let this go?”
Communications Manager Dan Hassert: “Don’t make me write about Billy again. None of you appreciate how difficult it is to be funny on command. Sheesh. How do we know that Tom didn’t steal the goat himself? Check the mulch in his yard. I think we all agree, he should let this go.”
Bleated West in retort: “blah blah blah blah. If anybody has any information, they should let me know.”