Victim’s description: Thin, wooden, kinda 2D

The goat in happier times, before it went missing.

COVINGTON, Ky. - This is an unsettling story of a kid - a missing kid who might well be a kidnapped kid. 

For months, the young goat (EDITOR’S NOTE: By “kid” we mean the four-legged kind, what did you think???) has been hanging out on the Economic Development Department’s picnic table in Mad Hatter Park on Scott Street, its body frozen for all perpetuity over the chunk it seemingly had just taken out of the table.
Now, it’s gone.
Economic Development Director Tom West, who cut the goat out of a piece of pine with a jig saw and thus could be considered the goat’s creator (Covington’s Geppeto?) seems the most distraught.
“It’s lost and probably alone, or worse: It’s been taken and is being mistreated,” said West, who spent half of a partial moment this morning filling out a Missing Person Report with the Covington Police Department.
“Kind of two-dimensional,” West said. “Not very talkative. A lot of personality, but it doesn’t make any effort to show it. So I guess it’s kind of wooden, actually. Its face is frozen with an odd smile and focused look, like all it wants is to take another bite out of that table.”
Police Chief Rob Nader, who spent much of his career working the streets of Covington, took a more pragmatic approach:
“Be on the look-out for a missing goat, approximately 30 inches tall, weighing about 3 pounds, with an eye-catching profile but very thin build. Answers to ‘Billy the Kid.’ Last seen wearing a white-and-gray coat. Last known location: Mad Hatter Park, having a hearty lunch. May be in downtown area in search of grass.”
Nader wouldn’t comment on the speculation circulating around City Hall about the goat’s whereabouts. 
  • Did it get tired of sitting in the heat, and wander off? 
  • Was the taste of pressure-treated lumber not to its liking? 
  • Did it hear tale of the Goebel Goats, happily munching weeds in the shadow of Interstate 75 on the City’s west side, and set off across downtown to find that legendary herd? 
  • Or was it kidnapped (EDITOR’S NOTE TO THE WRITER: That pun is getting old), a victim of a vicious crime by a nefarious individual(s)? 
“We’re guessing the goat didn’t wander off by itself, since it’s made of wood,” West said. “But, we also haven’t received a ransom note.”
When asked if the City would set aside funds to pay the ransom, should one be demanded, Finance Director Muhammed Owusu said, “Um, Tom tells me we should look for some.”
The goat is somewhat famous.
The table was created by the Economic Development staff for the Northern Kentucky Picnic Table Project this spring organized by the Public Arts Network of Northern Kentucky.
The painted design is tribute to the Goebel Goats, the Roebling Suspension Bridge and some of Covington’s downtown buildings. With the title “Goat Seating Only” and the goat bolted to the bench, the table won “Most Creative Design.”
So ... if anyone has seen our goat or knows its whereabouts, please contact West at (859) 292-2168.
Just like Crime Stoppers, all tips will remain anonymous.